Why does it have to be so darn hard?

You know when you were younger and people asked you what you wanted to be when you were older? And you always said I want to be a mommy. Yeah, it would have been nice if growing up, they told you it wasn't always so easy to have a child. It would have been nice to know about this secret little world of infertility and that it actually affects quite a lot of woman. Had I known about infertility and how much it hurts, I probably would have paid a little better attention to my body and what I put in it.
I wish that infertility would be talked about more. It seems like its this little secret that no one wants to talk about. Its like you mention infertility and people get all fidgety and don't seem to want to talk about it.
I would never ever wish infertility upon anyone, but I wish more people understood what infertility truley is and how much it sucks and hurts. You tell people that you are having a hard time conceiving and they are like have you tried relaxing or just not trying? Yeah, if it was that easy, I would have a child or two by now. But they just don't understand the full context of it.
There are only a few close people in my life that know about my struggles with trying to have a baby, or at least know the truth depths of the emotional and heartbreaking journey that it has been.
I would not have guessed that when Lee and I got married, that it would take over 2 years to get pregnant. I would not have dreamed that in my worst nightmare. But guess what, its the reality that I face and it sucks. I don't know how many tears I have cried over it and I am sure I am not done shedding tears over it.
Every month that my period shows up, it doesn't make it any easier. It gets harder and harder every single time. In the back of my head comes the realization that maybe my dream will never come true. I think that maybe I will never be able to have what I long for.
Then I see all the people I know that are not trying for a baby or aren't married and end up pregnant. I always have to wonder, why? Why can they get pregnant so easily when they didn't even want a child in the first place? Why can't someone like me, who wants a child more than anything and is willing to endure just about anything, have a child?
Just a few months ago, Lee and I decided to seek treatment in hopes that maybe, just maybe, we could finally make our dream come true. I told him I would do about any test out there, if in the end, it would lead me to my dream and I would finally have the child I longed for.
I have started taking clomid and I finally had hope. Well that hope lasted only so long when the first month, nothing happened. In my head I was thinking, what the heck? This medicine is supposed to help me, not hinder me. Then all that hope that I had, just goes right back out the window. So then the second month, she tells me that it worked, but my #s were not high enough. Once again, the hope leaves since I know there is probably no way to get pregnant. Third month, I get the news I was hoping for. I ovulated and my #s were high enough to get me pregnant. For the next few weeks I am just floating on my hopes and dreams knowing that we did it. There was no way we couldn't have messed it up. We had sex right around the time we were supposed to. But then come those lovely little signs that maybe it didn't happen. The cramps start up. Not so bad at first, but get worse and worse as the day goes on. I think, its okay. It could just be because I am pregnant. Then I got the spotting and all hope goes away, again!
The infertily journey its one of ups and downs. I have learned to not to get to excited, because right now, I just get let down more than I could imagine. I have learned that it takes a lot of strength to be able to face this head on and continue on.
I know that when the time is just right, Lee and I will have our child. I have to believe that. If I give up all belief and hope, then what is the point to continuing on with this journey? None.
I would never want to see anyone I know go through this, but sadly, that is not the reality that is at hand. I have two very good friends that are going through this struggle. They have not been going through it quite as long, but still hard enough on them as well. It makes me happy to know that I can be there, just as I have some great friends who have been here for me through the ups and downs. Even when I have the dumbest thoughts and stupidest questions, they are there no matter what. They give me the courage to continue on and know that it will be alright. If it were not for them, I honestly don't know where in this journey I would be. Who knows if I would have given up?
I know that from here on out, I just have to learn to hold my head high and stand strong. I need to start taking care of me physcially and emotionally. I just have to hold onto the belief that one day, my dream will come true. It may not be next month, or next year, but I just can't give up on the dream of having a child. I just have to stay strong and find a way to fight through.

Still can't believe she is gone!

Its so hard to fathom the fact that my grandma is gone and I will never be able to talk to her again! Ugh it sucks so much. You always think they will just live forever! I am very excited though that I made the trip up to see her before she passed. I will cherish that time forever!! There is a poem that was in her funeral booklet that is just amazing!!

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The day you did today
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say
I know how much you love me,
IAnd each time that you think of me,
As much as I loved you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand
And said my place was ready
In heaven so far above
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But when I walked through heaven's gates
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me
From His golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I've promised you today for life on earth is past but here it starts anew."
I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last, and since each day's the same
There's no long for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.


I am just going to miss her SO much!!!! She was such a wonderful lady!! I think we are still some what in shock that it happened. I knew we knew this time it was going to happen, but it doesn't make it feel any better!
I miss my grandma!!!

My appointment is tomorrow!!!

It's soooooo close! and I am sooooo scared!!!!!!
Lee is out of town tomorrow so his cousin who I am very close to, is coming to the appointment with me! It's nice to not have to go by myself!!!
It will be nice to finally get it over with. I am hoping I can get some answers tomorrow! Or at least get on the right track! I will update after my appointment tomorrow!

Appointment has been set

So on July 28th I have my doctor appointment. I got a new doctor since I didn't really like my doctor the last time I went. I am hoping that I can finally get some answers. This cycle I did some OPK's to see if I was ovulating and I didn't get a positive so I don't truly think I am. Lee and I have been pretty laid back this cycle so we haven't really cared when we BD'd or anything like that.
I just really think I have PCOS which really sucks to think that. But I just have to face reality and get it fixed.
I have a feeling it's going to be another long cycle. I am on CD 32 and no AF in sight. Not even tempted to test or even think I am PG. Just a waste of money. Wouldn't it be nice if it were late because I was PG? I would think it would be, but that is just dreaming big time.

July 22 is Lee's 23rd birthday and we are going to a baseball game so that should be fun. Our anniversary is also July 28th so it could be a very interesting day. I hope this doctors appointment doesn't totally spoil my mood. I want it to be special. I can't believe that it has been two years already. Where the heck does the time go? I am so excited to celebrate though. I love that man with all of me and am very blessed to know that he is in my life. He is the greatest gift God has ever given me. He has been my rock through all of this.
Then August 4th is my 23rd bday and we have nothing planned. But it should be fun anyways!!

Depression is setting in

So our two year anniversary is slowly approaching and we have yet to get PG!!!!! I just can't wrap my head aroound that very easily!
And now I have found out what I think is preventing Lee and I from getting PG. I think I could possibly have PCOS. And the crappy thing is Lee still wants to continue to try naturally. He says we need to get some weight off first before we launch into any testing. We made an agreement that if we are not PG by our next anniversary that we would start ferility testing. But it just sucks. I won't push him though. If he is not ready, I can't push him or he will just push back and get more pissed.
He is already stressed with me talking about infertility and getting PG all the time. He said that I just need to chill.
I hate this. I hate being stuck in a spot like this.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out...

Sometimes I just don't feel understood

When I bring things up to people, I just feel like they don't understand where I am coming from and what I think. Sometimes I feel like when I bring something up, they just don't care to listen and just kind of avoid it. I hate that feeling. I try to get some help with stuff, and I just feel ignored!!! It's not a great feeling. I just wish people would understand what is going on and how I feel instead of dismissing my feelings....

Completely

The secret of life is letting go
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do
In all that I say
Right here in this moment
The power of prayer is in a humble cry
The power of change is in giving my life
I’m laying it down
Down at your feet
Right here in this moment

Chorus:Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
And let all this is within me lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone
Completely

The journey of life is a search for truth
This journey of faith is following you
Every step of the way
Through the joy and the pain
Right here in this moment
Right here, right now, and for the rest of my life
Hear me say
I am yours and yours alone
Completely



Everytime I hear this song it makes me cry. It reminds me that I need to start relying on God more. I try so hard to rely on him, but sometimes I screw up and don't!!! I need to rely on God to help get Lee and I pregnant!!