Still can't believe she is gone!

Its so hard to fathom the fact that my grandma is gone and I will never be able to talk to her again! Ugh it sucks so much. You always think they will just live forever! I am very excited though that I made the trip up to see her before she passed. I will cherish that time forever!! There is a poem that was in her funeral booklet that is just amazing!!

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The day you did today
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say
I know how much you love me,
IAnd each time that you think of me,
As much as I loved you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand
And said my place was ready
In heaven so far above
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But when I walked through heaven's gates
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me
From His golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I've promised you today for life on earth is past but here it starts anew."
I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last, and since each day's the same
There's no long for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.


I am just going to miss her SO much!!!! She was such a wonderful lady!! I think we are still some what in shock that it happened. I knew we knew this time it was going to happen, but it doesn't make it feel any better!
I miss my grandma!!!

My appointment is tomorrow!!!

It's soooooo close! and I am sooooo scared!!!!!!
Lee is out of town tomorrow so his cousin who I am very close to, is coming to the appointment with me! It's nice to not have to go by myself!!!
It will be nice to finally get it over with. I am hoping I can get some answers tomorrow! Or at least get on the right track! I will update after my appointment tomorrow!

Appointment has been set

So on July 28th I have my doctor appointment. I got a new doctor since I didn't really like my doctor the last time I went. I am hoping that I can finally get some answers. This cycle I did some OPK's to see if I was ovulating and I didn't get a positive so I don't truly think I am. Lee and I have been pretty laid back this cycle so we haven't really cared when we BD'd or anything like that.
I just really think I have PCOS which really sucks to think that. But I just have to face reality and get it fixed.
I have a feeling it's going to be another long cycle. I am on CD 32 and no AF in sight. Not even tempted to test or even think I am PG. Just a waste of money. Wouldn't it be nice if it were late because I was PG? I would think it would be, but that is just dreaming big time.

July 22 is Lee's 23rd birthday and we are going to a baseball game so that should be fun. Our anniversary is also July 28th so it could be a very interesting day. I hope this doctors appointment doesn't totally spoil my mood. I want it to be special. I can't believe that it has been two years already. Where the heck does the time go? I am so excited to celebrate though. I love that man with all of me and am very blessed to know that he is in my life. He is the greatest gift God has ever given me. He has been my rock through all of this.
Then August 4th is my 23rd bday and we have nothing planned. But it should be fun anyways!!

Depression is setting in

So our two year anniversary is slowly approaching and we have yet to get PG!!!!! I just can't wrap my head aroound that very easily!
And now I have found out what I think is preventing Lee and I from getting PG. I think I could possibly have PCOS. And the crappy thing is Lee still wants to continue to try naturally. He says we need to get some weight off first before we launch into any testing. We made an agreement that if we are not PG by our next anniversary that we would start ferility testing. But it just sucks. I won't push him though. If he is not ready, I can't push him or he will just push back and get more pissed.
He is already stressed with me talking about infertility and getting PG all the time. He said that I just need to chill.
I hate this. I hate being stuck in a spot like this.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out...

Sometimes I just don't feel understood

When I bring things up to people, I just feel like they don't understand where I am coming from and what I think. Sometimes I feel like when I bring something up, they just don't care to listen and just kind of avoid it. I hate that feeling. I try to get some help with stuff, and I just feel ignored!!! It's not a great feeling. I just wish people would understand what is going on and how I feel instead of dismissing my feelings....

Completely

The secret of life is letting go
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do
In all that I say
Right here in this moment
The power of prayer is in a humble cry
The power of change is in giving my life
I’m laying it down
Down at your feet
Right here in this moment

Chorus:Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
And let all this is within me lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone
Completely

The journey of life is a search for truth
This journey of faith is following you
Every step of the way
Through the joy and the pain
Right here in this moment
Right here, right now, and for the rest of my life
Hear me say
I am yours and yours alone
Completely



Everytime I hear this song it makes me cry. It reminds me that I need to start relying on God more. I try so hard to rely on him, but sometimes I screw up and don't!!! I need to rely on God to help get Lee and I pregnant!!

Why???

Body, why do you do this to me??? Why can't you either have AF show up on time or get pregnant??? Why do you have to play games with me? Why do you let me have hope that I might be pregnant and then bring all of that crashing down? Why can't you just be normal and do what you are supposed to do!!! You just piss me off! I can't stand when you do this to me!! Just be normal for once!!! Don't get me all excited and then hurt me!!! UGGGGHHH!!! I hate you body!!!!!