Leaving..

So Lee and I are going to DC for about a week! I am super excited! This vacation is very much needed! I have not had a vacation away from everything in a long time so I am truly looking forward to it! I just hope that AF does not come along to ruin it! That would just suck!

Today I found out how cruel some people truly can be to people. Why must others judge and put others down to make them feel better about themselves? If you have your thoughts and opinions about things that are a big deal to others, just keep your trap shut. Opening your mouth just seems to cause more problems. I mean who cares if someone does something different than you do? Does it matter? Then people try and make them see the other point of view and let them know that what they are saying is hurtful and mean, but they just don't care. People are just selfish and rude. It just amazes me. Especially when they call themselves "Christian". I would never put someone down or judge them just because they do things a little different than I do. We should all try to get along as best as possible! Ugh people!

The cramps have started to come so I think that AF will be coming soon. I am so mad. I hate waiting to find out if AF is going to come or not. I don't think that I am PG but what do I know? I guess its just the waiting game. At least I have DC to keep things off of my mind. I hate flying so I hope this flight is a smooth and fast flight! Least I have Lee there to hold my hand if I get scared! :)

So I'll be back in a week. I should have pictures to post!

Heart to heart

So last night Lee and I had a heart to heart. I have been reading this book called The Conception Chronicles. It was talking about sometimes how men can feel like they are being used when we are TTC. So I asked him if he hated the fact that sometimes I have to schedule sex or that I just talk and talk about the tests I need to have done or the he needs to have done. I told him to tell me the truth.
He said that it doesn't bother him that much, but that I need to start relaxing. He said the stress that I put on myself is not good for me. He said that we both still need to lose the rest of this weight. He was like we also just bought a new house that we can focus on now. He said that he just wished that I would just not stress and think about it so much.
So I told him okay. No more stressing and no more thinking about it so much. I told him I would try to not get on the boards AS much as I do now.
So I am going to try and fill my head right now with other things than TTC. It seems to be the only thing that consumes my thoughts and I don't like that.
So yeah..that is where we are at. He is still going to do his S/A just so we can get that out of the road. But now I am going to try and take a step back and just enjoy time with him and maybe we will get PG soon.

Dear God---

I guess these past few months, I have started to slip away! It just seems like things never go my way! It seems like when I pray to you, that maybe you don't hear me. I don't know. I know I should not stray away, but when I feel ignored, I put up a front.
Just a few questions.
When is it going to be Lee and I's time to become parents? We have tried for so long and I am so sick of struggeling. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want the tears anymore. I don't want the fear of never being able to not be parents in my heard anymore. It's not a fun feeling to have. I have spent many nights just laying there thinking and asking WHY? But I never seem to get an answer. I just wish you would show me when our time is going to come or at least give me a hint. Every time I get the hint of AF, it just makes me want to go crawl in bed and just cry and not get back up. Sometimes I just don't know where to look.
You have put some amazing ladies in my life and if it were not for them some days, I wouldn't make it through. Their constant support and love has helped me tremendously. They always know exactly how to make me feel better and know that everything is going to be okay. They have been a huge help in this whole crazy STC thing!
And of course you gave me Lee who is my rock and support when I feel like I can't stand anymore. If it were not for him, I would have probably gone insane! He is there whenever I feel like I am going to fall and he helps me back up on my feet.
I see all these other ladies getting pregnant who have not tried for nearly as long, and I always wonder, why? Why don't they have to struggle but yet I have to struggle. I know that may sound selfish, but you know what? I can be a little selfish in the journey. There are so many people out there who just don't understand the struggle. They don't understand the contstant longing of having a child. They don't understand the heartache that comes along with it.
I just wish I knew when it was going to be Lee and I's turn to finally experience the joy of knowing that a child is coming! I want to be able to see those two pink lines and cry for joy and not cry becasue I only saw one line.
Some days it is so hard to get through anything because my head is consumed with the idea of having a child. Every little symptom I feel gets my head turning in a million different ways. I get a little glimmer of hope thinking oh maybe this is the month. But nope. It has never been the month yet. I try to not let this consume my mind, but it's so hard when I have wanted this for so long.
When I got married, I never thought in a million years it was going to take this long to have a child. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know? Maybe you are trying to teach me some patience, because I know I need to be patient. But it's so hard when I see so many woman get pregnant before me. Maybe you are trying to help me learn to rely on you more. I am trying Lord but sometimes I just feel like I want to give up. I feel like I just want to run away in a hole and not come out.
So please Lord, hear my crys and my prayers and please give me the gift of a child that I have been longing for. Please!

I am so sick

Of STC!!! I don't want to anymore!!!! I just wish I could be pg already!!! I hate knowing that we have struggled for over a year and half already and probably will continue to struggle! Why can't I get pregnant?? Why? Why does everyone else get PG and not Lee and I who WANT to be parents? I am so sick of all of it!!!!
I thought that I ovulated but I guess not. FF took away my CH so now it looks like I didn't ovulate!!! Ahhh!!!!!
I know I need to get this damn weight off but for some reason I can't get my act together and get the weight off!!! Ugh! Why do I always have to fail atit? I know I need to lose weight really bad but for some reason, I just fail! I don't get it!!!

I am so sick of failing at everything and not having things go right!!!! When will it be my time???

We have a house!!!!!

So we finally got a house!!!! I am sooooooo excited! We get the house May 15th and then will slowly move everything over. our lease is not done until July so we dont want to break the lease! I am so excited! Lee and I are FINALLY home owners! That feels so GOOOOOD!

I got a positive!!!

I am so excited. Last night I did another OPK and it turned out to be a positive! That is so exciting! I will continue to do them and hopefully we can catch a little eggie!!! Oh please let this be!!!! Here is the pic!

My very first OPK!!

I did my first ever OPK! I am so excited. I feel so good about the fact we are finally moving in the right direction! I never thought I would feel such relief but today, I finally have. I am still trying to interpert the pic. I think that in order for the surge, the line on the left needs to be as dark as or darker then the one on the right. I think as of now, it is not. I think it is still a little to light. I am going to do two a day until I see if I O!
Here's the pic

Useless chatter

So this weekend Lee and I went and looked at some houses. One of them was just NASTY! I hated it!! It was so dirty and needed so much work! Lee like the look of the house and thought we could really make it look good. But I dont want to buy our first house and have to put a bunch of work into it! Doesn't sound like my idea of a good time! Then the second one that we looked at was BEAUTIFUL but of course Lee hated it! lol! I think this will be very interesting to see what house we end up with!
We found two more houses online that we thought looked nice so we are going to talk to our realtor and see when we can go see them!
So tomorrow is cycle day 10! That means that Lee and I have to BD every other day! I told him it was doctors orders! lol! I also start my OPKs tomorrow so I am pretty excited about that! Hopefully it will detect a surge! My temps look a lot higher than they normally do so maybe that is a good thing?
Ok back to work!