Sometimes it's hard to hang onto hope. It really is.
AF is now a day late and part of me wants to hold onto hope and know there is still a chance, but most of me knows that AF will just be late...again! Why should I even try anymore? I just feel like giving up and not trying! The heartach and pain right now sucks and I just don't know how to deal with it anymore!
We have been trying for almost 2 years with no luck. And yet you get all these ladies that shouldn't be a mom who have tons of kids. I don't get it!!! I know 3 people who got married after Lee and I did and all of them have a baby!
It's hard to hold onto something that I don't know will ever happen. Why? This sucks! It's hard to hold back the tears anymore when it comes to STC. I hate it!!!!!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Why do I do this?
Ok so I want a baby SO bad but yet, I can't change some of the things in my life that could possibly help me get a baby!
I can't stop drinking pop. I try and then give back into temptation!!! I read last night in a book that drinking caffeine can reduce fertility by 50%! WHAT?? That is CRAZY! Could the pop be what is keeping us from a baby? I guess I gotta be STRONGER and not drink any pop! I can do it! I know I will get the headaches but I will just have to ignore them!
Then, I know I should eat better, but for some reason, again, I don't. I don't eat horribly, but I don't eat as good as I know I can. I do still eat some fast food, but I have been doing SO much better about not. And then I have a hard time not snacking! But this has got to stop as well! I gotta find a good diet and just stick to it. I need to get this weight off.
Then the whole exercising thing. I don't mind exercising, but sometimes it just sucks. I don't exercise as much as I should. I do good for about a week and then I start sucking again! I gotta be better and just stick to it every day! Then maybe this weight would come off.
So there are 3 major things that I know I could do to help me maybe get a baby, but yet, I don't do it. Maybe I am just being selfish in hoping that it will just happen on it's own. But I think that now after 21 months, it's not gonna just happen on it's own. I think I just need to come to that realization.
After we get moved inot the house, I am going to make an appointment at the fertility clinic. I like my doc at the OBGYN but I just don't think she is being proactive enough like I need someone to be!
My hopes is that by the end of this year, I will be blessed with a child...I just hope!
I can't stop drinking pop. I try and then give back into temptation!!! I read last night in a book that drinking caffeine can reduce fertility by 50%! WHAT?? That is CRAZY! Could the pop be what is keeping us from a baby? I guess I gotta be STRONGER and not drink any pop! I can do it! I know I will get the headaches but I will just have to ignore them!
Then, I know I should eat better, but for some reason, again, I don't. I don't eat horribly, but I don't eat as good as I know I can. I do still eat some fast food, but I have been doing SO much better about not. And then I have a hard time not snacking! But this has got to stop as well! I gotta find a good diet and just stick to it. I need to get this weight off.
Then the whole exercising thing. I don't mind exercising, but sometimes it just sucks. I don't exercise as much as I should. I do good for about a week and then I start sucking again! I gotta be better and just stick to it every day! Then maybe this weight would come off.
So there are 3 major things that I know I could do to help me maybe get a baby, but yet, I don't do it. Maybe I am just being selfish in hoping that it will just happen on it's own. But I think that now after 21 months, it's not gonna just happen on it's own. I think I just need to come to that realization.
After we get moved inot the house, I am going to make an appointment at the fertility clinic. I like my doc at the OBGYN but I just don't think she is being proactive enough like I need someone to be!
My hopes is that by the end of this year, I will be blessed with a child...I just hope!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Ahh crap!
So on Thursday, my mom, me and my dad all headed up to Minnesota to visit my grandma. She has congestive heart failure and was not doing very good. I wanted to get up there to see her incase something were to happen. I was glad to see her perky and happy and alert. She is still not better, but at least she wasn't what I was expecting her to be.
So speaking of my parents, stuff between us still sucks. I think that I might hold stuff against them still. I don't think they have ever truly accepted Lee and wanted me to be with him. For some reason they just don't seem to like him. I don't get it! He is a GREAT guy and I love him very much! But stuff between us is still very awkward. They just go gaga over my sister because of Isaac and just give her so much attention, but when it comes to me, it's not the same. I just have a feeling that when I have a child, it will not get the attention that they deserve. At least I know Lee's parents will be wonderful grandparents and will spoil our children.
I watched Facing the Giants this weekend. In the movie, the wife and husband were having troubles conceiving. They turned to God and prayed and left everything in His hands. There was a part in the movie where the husband asked the wife if she would still love God if they didn't get children.
Well at the end of the movie, she goes to the doctor b/c she thought she was pregnant. The nurse told her that she was not. As she was leaving the parking lot, she spoke to God and said "I will still love you" (she ends up PG though)
Watching that movie really made me think. Will I still love God if he won't give me children? My answer of course was yes, but I know it won't be an easy thing to do. I don't know if I could completely understand why it would happen that way. I wouldn't be able to understand why a couple who wants children and will love them, aren't able to have that chance, but yet people who don't really deserve children (ones who can't take care of them or beat them), get children? That just doesn't settle well in my head! It would be a VERY hard situation to be in.
I just can't help but cry sometimes when thinking about the possibility of never having my own children. That is something I have always wanted. I just don't get it. It just blows my mind. I want children SO bad and so does Lee. So why don't we have children yet? Why God? When will it be our turn??
So speaking of my parents, stuff between us still sucks. I think that I might hold stuff against them still. I don't think they have ever truly accepted Lee and wanted me to be with him. For some reason they just don't seem to like him. I don't get it! He is a GREAT guy and I love him very much! But stuff between us is still very awkward. They just go gaga over my sister because of Isaac and just give her so much attention, but when it comes to me, it's not the same. I just have a feeling that when I have a child, it will not get the attention that they deserve. At least I know Lee's parents will be wonderful grandparents and will spoil our children.
I watched Facing the Giants this weekend. In the movie, the wife and husband were having troubles conceiving. They turned to God and prayed and left everything in His hands. There was a part in the movie where the husband asked the wife if she would still love God if they didn't get children.
Well at the end of the movie, she goes to the doctor b/c she thought she was pregnant. The nurse told her that she was not. As she was leaving the parking lot, she spoke to God and said "I will still love you" (she ends up PG though)
Watching that movie really made me think. Will I still love God if he won't give me children? My answer of course was yes, but I know it won't be an easy thing to do. I don't know if I could completely understand why it would happen that way. I wouldn't be able to understand why a couple who wants children and will love them, aren't able to have that chance, but yet people who don't really deserve children (ones who can't take care of them or beat them), get children? That just doesn't settle well in my head! It would be a VERY hard situation to be in.
I just can't help but cry sometimes when thinking about the possibility of never having my own children. That is something I have always wanted. I just don't get it. It just blows my mind. I want children SO bad and so does Lee. So why don't we have children yet? Why God? When will it be our turn??
Friday, April 3, 2009
DC
DC was a lot of fun!! We went and saw a lot of place. Here are some pics!
Lee and I in front of the white house
Another
At the world war 2 memorial
Changing of the Guards
In front of Iowa's thing at the WWII Memorial
Lincoln Memorial
Ruby red slippers from my fav movie!!
The Hope Diamond
Lee just can't be serious
In front of the capitol
Another pic of the changing of the guards
Lee and I at a Capitals hockey game
The Rotunda of the capitol
Me in front of my senators office after a meeting
Lee and I in front of the white house
Another
At the world war 2 memorial
Changing of the Guards
In front of Iowa's thing at the WWII Memorial
Lincoln Memorial
Ruby red slippers from my fav movie!!
The Hope Diamond
Lee just can't be serious
In front of the capitol
Another pic of the changing of the guards
Lee and I at a Capitals hockey game
The Rotunda of the capitol
Me in front of my senators office after a meeting
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