Why does it have to be so darn hard?

You know when you were younger and people asked you what you wanted to be when you were older? And you always said I want to be a mommy. Yeah, it would have been nice if growing up, they told you it wasn't always so easy to have a child. It would have been nice to know about this secret little world of infertility and that it actually affects quite a lot of woman. Had I known about infertility and how much it hurts, I probably would have paid a little better attention to my body and what I put in it.
I wish that infertility would be talked about more. It seems like its this little secret that no one wants to talk about. Its like you mention infertility and people get all fidgety and don't seem to want to talk about it.
I would never ever wish infertility upon anyone, but I wish more people understood what infertility truley is and how much it sucks and hurts. You tell people that you are having a hard time conceiving and they are like have you tried relaxing or just not trying? Yeah, if it was that easy, I would have a child or two by now. But they just don't understand the full context of it.
There are only a few close people in my life that know about my struggles with trying to have a baby, or at least know the truth depths of the emotional and heartbreaking journey that it has been.
I would not have guessed that when Lee and I got married, that it would take over 2 years to get pregnant. I would not have dreamed that in my worst nightmare. But guess what, its the reality that I face and it sucks. I don't know how many tears I have cried over it and I am sure I am not done shedding tears over it.
Every month that my period shows up, it doesn't make it any easier. It gets harder and harder every single time. In the back of my head comes the realization that maybe my dream will never come true. I think that maybe I will never be able to have what I long for.
Then I see all the people I know that are not trying for a baby or aren't married and end up pregnant. I always have to wonder, why? Why can they get pregnant so easily when they didn't even want a child in the first place? Why can't someone like me, who wants a child more than anything and is willing to endure just about anything, have a child?
Just a few months ago, Lee and I decided to seek treatment in hopes that maybe, just maybe, we could finally make our dream come true. I told him I would do about any test out there, if in the end, it would lead me to my dream and I would finally have the child I longed for.
I have started taking clomid and I finally had hope. Well that hope lasted only so long when the first month, nothing happened. In my head I was thinking, what the heck? This medicine is supposed to help me, not hinder me. Then all that hope that I had, just goes right back out the window. So then the second month, she tells me that it worked, but my #s were not high enough. Once again, the hope leaves since I know there is probably no way to get pregnant. Third month, I get the news I was hoping for. I ovulated and my #s were high enough to get me pregnant. For the next few weeks I am just floating on my hopes and dreams knowing that we did it. There was no way we couldn't have messed it up. We had sex right around the time we were supposed to. But then come those lovely little signs that maybe it didn't happen. The cramps start up. Not so bad at first, but get worse and worse as the day goes on. I think, its okay. It could just be because I am pregnant. Then I got the spotting and all hope goes away, again!
The infertily journey its one of ups and downs. I have learned to not to get to excited, because right now, I just get let down more than I could imagine. I have learned that it takes a lot of strength to be able to face this head on and continue on.
I know that when the time is just right, Lee and I will have our child. I have to believe that. If I give up all belief and hope, then what is the point to continuing on with this journey? None.
I would never want to see anyone I know go through this, but sadly, that is not the reality that is at hand. I have two very good friends that are going through this struggle. They have not been going through it quite as long, but still hard enough on them as well. It makes me happy to know that I can be there, just as I have some great friends who have been here for me through the ups and downs. Even when I have the dumbest thoughts and stupidest questions, they are there no matter what. They give me the courage to continue on and know that it will be alright. If it were not for them, I honestly don't know where in this journey I would be. Who knows if I would have given up?
I know that from here on out, I just have to learn to hold my head high and stand strong. I need to start taking care of me physcially and emotionally. I just have to hold onto the belief that one day, my dream will come true. It may not be next month, or next year, but I just can't give up on the dream of having a child. I just have to stay strong and find a way to fight through.