Why does it have to be so darn hard?

You know when you were younger and people asked you what you wanted to be when you were older? And you always said I want to be a mommy. Yeah, it would have been nice if growing up, they told you it wasn't always so easy to have a child. It would have been nice to know about this secret little world of infertility and that it actually affects quite a lot of woman. Had I known about infertility and how much it hurts, I probably would have paid a little better attention to my body and what I put in it.
I wish that infertility would be talked about more. It seems like its this little secret that no one wants to talk about. Its like you mention infertility and people get all fidgety and don't seem to want to talk about it.
I would never ever wish infertility upon anyone, but I wish more people understood what infertility truley is and how much it sucks and hurts. You tell people that you are having a hard time conceiving and they are like have you tried relaxing or just not trying? Yeah, if it was that easy, I would have a child or two by now. But they just don't understand the full context of it.
There are only a few close people in my life that know about my struggles with trying to have a baby, or at least know the truth depths of the emotional and heartbreaking journey that it has been.
I would not have guessed that when Lee and I got married, that it would take over 2 years to get pregnant. I would not have dreamed that in my worst nightmare. But guess what, its the reality that I face and it sucks. I don't know how many tears I have cried over it and I am sure I am not done shedding tears over it.
Every month that my period shows up, it doesn't make it any easier. It gets harder and harder every single time. In the back of my head comes the realization that maybe my dream will never come true. I think that maybe I will never be able to have what I long for.
Then I see all the people I know that are not trying for a baby or aren't married and end up pregnant. I always have to wonder, why? Why can they get pregnant so easily when they didn't even want a child in the first place? Why can't someone like me, who wants a child more than anything and is willing to endure just about anything, have a child?
Just a few months ago, Lee and I decided to seek treatment in hopes that maybe, just maybe, we could finally make our dream come true. I told him I would do about any test out there, if in the end, it would lead me to my dream and I would finally have the child I longed for.
I have started taking clomid and I finally had hope. Well that hope lasted only so long when the first month, nothing happened. In my head I was thinking, what the heck? This medicine is supposed to help me, not hinder me. Then all that hope that I had, just goes right back out the window. So then the second month, she tells me that it worked, but my #s were not high enough. Once again, the hope leaves since I know there is probably no way to get pregnant. Third month, I get the news I was hoping for. I ovulated and my #s were high enough to get me pregnant. For the next few weeks I am just floating on my hopes and dreams knowing that we did it. There was no way we couldn't have messed it up. We had sex right around the time we were supposed to. But then come those lovely little signs that maybe it didn't happen. The cramps start up. Not so bad at first, but get worse and worse as the day goes on. I think, its okay. It could just be because I am pregnant. Then I got the spotting and all hope goes away, again!
The infertily journey its one of ups and downs. I have learned to not to get to excited, because right now, I just get let down more than I could imagine. I have learned that it takes a lot of strength to be able to face this head on and continue on.
I know that when the time is just right, Lee and I will have our child. I have to believe that. If I give up all belief and hope, then what is the point to continuing on with this journey? None.
I would never want to see anyone I know go through this, but sadly, that is not the reality that is at hand. I have two very good friends that are going through this struggle. They have not been going through it quite as long, but still hard enough on them as well. It makes me happy to know that I can be there, just as I have some great friends who have been here for me through the ups and downs. Even when I have the dumbest thoughts and stupidest questions, they are there no matter what. They give me the courage to continue on and know that it will be alright. If it were not for them, I honestly don't know where in this journey I would be. Who knows if I would have given up?
I know that from here on out, I just have to learn to hold my head high and stand strong. I need to start taking care of me physcially and emotionally. I just have to hold onto the belief that one day, my dream will come true. It may not be next month, or next year, but I just can't give up on the dream of having a child. I just have to stay strong and find a way to fight through.

Still can't believe she is gone!

Its so hard to fathom the fact that my grandma is gone and I will never be able to talk to her again! Ugh it sucks so much. You always think they will just live forever! I am very excited though that I made the trip up to see her before she passed. I will cherish that time forever!! There is a poem that was in her funeral booklet that is just amazing!!

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The day you did today
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say
I know how much you love me,
IAnd each time that you think of me,
As much as I loved you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand
And said my place was ready
In heaven so far above
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But when I walked through heaven's gates
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me
From His golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I've promised you today for life on earth is past but here it starts anew."
I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last, and since each day's the same
There's no long for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.


I am just going to miss her SO much!!!! She was such a wonderful lady!! I think we are still some what in shock that it happened. I knew we knew this time it was going to happen, but it doesn't make it feel any better!
I miss my grandma!!!

My appointment is tomorrow!!!

It's soooooo close! and I am sooooo scared!!!!!!
Lee is out of town tomorrow so his cousin who I am very close to, is coming to the appointment with me! It's nice to not have to go by myself!!!
It will be nice to finally get it over with. I am hoping I can get some answers tomorrow! Or at least get on the right track! I will update after my appointment tomorrow!

Appointment has been set

So on July 28th I have my doctor appointment. I got a new doctor since I didn't really like my doctor the last time I went. I am hoping that I can finally get some answers. This cycle I did some OPK's to see if I was ovulating and I didn't get a positive so I don't truly think I am. Lee and I have been pretty laid back this cycle so we haven't really cared when we BD'd or anything like that.
I just really think I have PCOS which really sucks to think that. But I just have to face reality and get it fixed.
I have a feeling it's going to be another long cycle. I am on CD 32 and no AF in sight. Not even tempted to test or even think I am PG. Just a waste of money. Wouldn't it be nice if it were late because I was PG? I would think it would be, but that is just dreaming big time.

July 22 is Lee's 23rd birthday and we are going to a baseball game so that should be fun. Our anniversary is also July 28th so it could be a very interesting day. I hope this doctors appointment doesn't totally spoil my mood. I want it to be special. I can't believe that it has been two years already. Where the heck does the time go? I am so excited to celebrate though. I love that man with all of me and am very blessed to know that he is in my life. He is the greatest gift God has ever given me. He has been my rock through all of this.
Then August 4th is my 23rd bday and we have nothing planned. But it should be fun anyways!!

Depression is setting in

So our two year anniversary is slowly approaching and we have yet to get PG!!!!! I just can't wrap my head aroound that very easily!
And now I have found out what I think is preventing Lee and I from getting PG. I think I could possibly have PCOS. And the crappy thing is Lee still wants to continue to try naturally. He says we need to get some weight off first before we launch into any testing. We made an agreement that if we are not PG by our next anniversary that we would start ferility testing. But it just sucks. I won't push him though. If he is not ready, I can't push him or he will just push back and get more pissed.
He is already stressed with me talking about infertility and getting PG all the time. He said that I just need to chill.
I hate this. I hate being stuck in a spot like this.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out...

Sometimes I just don't feel understood

When I bring things up to people, I just feel like they don't understand where I am coming from and what I think. Sometimes I feel like when I bring something up, they just don't care to listen and just kind of avoid it. I hate that feeling. I try to get some help with stuff, and I just feel ignored!!! It's not a great feeling. I just wish people would understand what is going on and how I feel instead of dismissing my feelings....

Completely

The secret of life is letting go
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do
In all that I say
Right here in this moment
The power of prayer is in a humble cry
The power of change is in giving my life
I’m laying it down
Down at your feet
Right here in this moment

Chorus:Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
And let all this is within me lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone
Completely

The journey of life is a search for truth
This journey of faith is following you
Every step of the way
Through the joy and the pain
Right here in this moment
Right here, right now, and for the rest of my life
Hear me say
I am yours and yours alone
Completely



Everytime I hear this song it makes me cry. It reminds me that I need to start relying on God more. I try so hard to rely on him, but sometimes I screw up and don't!!! I need to rely on God to help get Lee and I pregnant!!

Why???

Body, why do you do this to me??? Why can't you either have AF show up on time or get pregnant??? Why do you have to play games with me? Why do you let me have hope that I might be pregnant and then bring all of that crashing down? Why can't you just be normal and do what you are supposed to do!!! You just piss me off! I can't stand when you do this to me!! Just be normal for once!!! Don't get me all excited and then hurt me!!! UGGGGHHH!!! I hate you body!!!!!

I just had to cry

So I tested this morning and it was a BFN! I thought for sure that we had finally done it! I had some spotting on CD 23 and it was only when I wiped. Then I had some more on CD 29. But once again, only when I wiped. And I had been feeling really sick to my stomach. So I just thought b/c I had never had the spotting like that, that it had to be a good sign. But nope. My dreams were crushed, yet again!!! I just had to sit there and cry. It's just hard when you want something so bad and you don't get it.
DH and I have been married now for almost 2 years and it just sucks that we don't have a baby! I just want to know what it feels like to be pregnant and have a baby! I know our time will come when God has it in his plans, but I just wish I knew it was going to happen.
A lot of ladies I know have been getting their BFPs after struggling and it is SO great to watch these ladies get them. It fills my heart with joy! :)
On a good note, I am down to 197. The weight is coming off. Slowly but its coming off. I have been exercising and now its time to kick my eating into high gear. It's time to cut out pasta, white bread, rice and anything else with lots of carbs. I can do it. My goal is by the time I go to New York to be down to 190. I have about 2 weeks to get these 7 lbs off! I know I can do it, its just going to take some hard work!

I'm doing it!!!

I am getting this weight off!!! I started out on Monday at 203.8 and I am down to 201.4!!! I am SO excited!!!! I have been doing SO good at my eating and I can see that it is paying off! Who knew it would feel so good to be doing something SO good for myself. I have also cut out pop all together. I slowly got myself off of it so I wouldn't get killer headaches going cold turkey on it! And quite honestly, I don't miss drinking pop!
I never thought I would be able to just stick to this. But now seeing the results, it makes me feel soooo good. I just gotta keep it up.
I have been eating a lot better than I have in a long time. No more fast food. No more greasy yucky food. Just goot nutrious food. I have been eating a healthy breakfast, then a little snack of fruits or yogurt, then salad for lunch, then another little snack of fruits or yorgurt, then something healthy for dinner. It is so great to see this happeneing. I can't wait to see more weight come off!
Only 2 more days until we get the house!!! We meet at 11 to sign all the paperwork. I was told last week by the loan people that we were going to owe $6300.00 at signing. Well lets just say I freaked a little bit. We were told we would not owe much more than our down payment for $4500.00 so I wasn't really saving more than I needed too. Well we got a call yesterday from the loan place saying we only owe $4030.56!!! She hadn't taken out the $500 we had already put down or the tax proration credit! I feel SO good knowing that we don't owe that much. Now we will still have a little over a $1000.00 in our savings to use towards the house!
I am SO excited to move into our house!! I can't wait!!!

Life is doing GREAT right now and I am so excited about it!

Hope...

Sometimes it's hard to hang onto hope. It really is.
AF is now a day late and part of me wants to hold onto hope and know there is still a chance, but most of me knows that AF will just be late...again! Why should I even try anymore? I just feel like giving up and not trying! The heartach and pain right now sucks and I just don't know how to deal with it anymore!
We have been trying for almost 2 years with no luck. And yet you get all these ladies that shouldn't be a mom who have tons of kids. I don't get it!!! I know 3 people who got married after Lee and I did and all of them have a baby!
It's hard to hold onto something that I don't know will ever happen. Why? This sucks! It's hard to hold back the tears anymore when it comes to STC. I hate it!!!!!

Why do I do this?

Ok so I want a baby SO bad but yet, I can't change some of the things in my life that could possibly help me get a baby!
I can't stop drinking pop. I try and then give back into temptation!!! I read last night in a book that drinking caffeine can reduce fertility by 50%! WHAT?? That is CRAZY! Could the pop be what is keeping us from a baby? I guess I gotta be STRONGER and not drink any pop! I can do it! I know I will get the headaches but I will just have to ignore them!

Then, I know I should eat better, but for some reason, again, I don't. I don't eat horribly, but I don't eat as good as I know I can. I do still eat some fast food, but I have been doing SO much better about not. And then I have a hard time not snacking! But this has got to stop as well! I gotta find a good diet and just stick to it. I need to get this weight off.

Then the whole exercising thing. I don't mind exercising, but sometimes it just sucks. I don't exercise as much as I should. I do good for about a week and then I start sucking again! I gotta be better and just stick to it every day! Then maybe this weight would come off.

So there are 3 major things that I know I could do to help me maybe get a baby, but yet, I don't do it. Maybe I am just being selfish in hoping that it will just happen on it's own. But I think that now after 21 months, it's not gonna just happen on it's own. I think I just need to come to that realization.

After we get moved inot the house, I am going to make an appointment at the fertility clinic. I like my doc at the OBGYN but I just don't think she is being proactive enough like I need someone to be!

My hopes is that by the end of this year, I will be blessed with a child...I just hope!

Ahh crap!

So on Thursday, my mom, me and my dad all headed up to Minnesota to visit my grandma. She has congestive heart failure and was not doing very good. I wanted to get up there to see her incase something were to happen. I was glad to see her perky and happy and alert. She is still not better, but at least she wasn't what I was expecting her to be.

So speaking of my parents, stuff between us still sucks. I think that I might hold stuff against them still. I don't think they have ever truly accepted Lee and wanted me to be with him. For some reason they just don't seem to like him. I don't get it! He is a GREAT guy and I love him very much! But stuff between us is still very awkward. They just go gaga over my sister because of Isaac and just give her so much attention, but when it comes to me, it's not the same. I just have a feeling that when I have a child, it will not get the attention that they deserve. At least I know Lee's parents will be wonderful grandparents and will spoil our children.

I watched Facing the Giants this weekend. In the movie, the wife and husband were having troubles conceiving. They turned to God and prayed and left everything in His hands. There was a part in the movie where the husband asked the wife if she would still love God if they didn't get children.
Well at the end of the movie, she goes to the doctor b/c she thought she was pregnant. The nurse told her that she was not. As she was leaving the parking lot, she spoke to God and said "I will still love you" (she ends up PG though)
Watching that movie really made me think. Will I still love God if he won't give me children? My answer of course was yes, but I know it won't be an easy thing to do. I don't know if I could completely understand why it would happen that way. I wouldn't be able to understand why a couple who wants children and will love them, aren't able to have that chance, but yet people who don't really deserve children (ones who can't take care of them or beat them), get children? That just doesn't settle well in my head! It would be a VERY hard situation to be in.

I just can't help but cry sometimes when thinking about the possibility of never having my own children. That is something I have always wanted. I just don't get it. It just blows my mind. I want children SO bad and so does Lee. So why don't we have children yet? Why God? When will it be our turn??

DC

DC was a lot of fun!! We went and saw a lot of place. Here are some pics!


Lee and I in front of the white house

Another

At the world war 2 memorial

Changing of the Guards

In front of Iowa's thing at the WWII Memorial

Lincoln Memorial

Ruby red slippers from my fav movie!!

The Hope Diamond

Lee just can't be serious

In front of the capitol

Another pic of the changing of the guards

Lee and I at a Capitals hockey game

The Rotunda of the capitol

Me in front of my senators office after a meeting

Leaving..

So Lee and I are going to DC for about a week! I am super excited! This vacation is very much needed! I have not had a vacation away from everything in a long time so I am truly looking forward to it! I just hope that AF does not come along to ruin it! That would just suck!

Today I found out how cruel some people truly can be to people. Why must others judge and put others down to make them feel better about themselves? If you have your thoughts and opinions about things that are a big deal to others, just keep your trap shut. Opening your mouth just seems to cause more problems. I mean who cares if someone does something different than you do? Does it matter? Then people try and make them see the other point of view and let them know that what they are saying is hurtful and mean, but they just don't care. People are just selfish and rude. It just amazes me. Especially when they call themselves "Christian". I would never put someone down or judge them just because they do things a little different than I do. We should all try to get along as best as possible! Ugh people!

The cramps have started to come so I think that AF will be coming soon. I am so mad. I hate waiting to find out if AF is going to come or not. I don't think that I am PG but what do I know? I guess its just the waiting game. At least I have DC to keep things off of my mind. I hate flying so I hope this flight is a smooth and fast flight! Least I have Lee there to hold my hand if I get scared! :)

So I'll be back in a week. I should have pictures to post!

Heart to heart

So last night Lee and I had a heart to heart. I have been reading this book called The Conception Chronicles. It was talking about sometimes how men can feel like they are being used when we are TTC. So I asked him if he hated the fact that sometimes I have to schedule sex or that I just talk and talk about the tests I need to have done or the he needs to have done. I told him to tell me the truth.
He said that it doesn't bother him that much, but that I need to start relaxing. He said the stress that I put on myself is not good for me. He said that we both still need to lose the rest of this weight. He was like we also just bought a new house that we can focus on now. He said that he just wished that I would just not stress and think about it so much.
So I told him okay. No more stressing and no more thinking about it so much. I told him I would try to not get on the boards AS much as I do now.
So I am going to try and fill my head right now with other things than TTC. It seems to be the only thing that consumes my thoughts and I don't like that.
So yeah..that is where we are at. He is still going to do his S/A just so we can get that out of the road. But now I am going to try and take a step back and just enjoy time with him and maybe we will get PG soon.

Dear God---

I guess these past few months, I have started to slip away! It just seems like things never go my way! It seems like when I pray to you, that maybe you don't hear me. I don't know. I know I should not stray away, but when I feel ignored, I put up a front.
Just a few questions.
When is it going to be Lee and I's time to become parents? We have tried for so long and I am so sick of struggeling. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want the tears anymore. I don't want the fear of never being able to not be parents in my heard anymore. It's not a fun feeling to have. I have spent many nights just laying there thinking and asking WHY? But I never seem to get an answer. I just wish you would show me when our time is going to come or at least give me a hint. Every time I get the hint of AF, it just makes me want to go crawl in bed and just cry and not get back up. Sometimes I just don't know where to look.
You have put some amazing ladies in my life and if it were not for them some days, I wouldn't make it through. Their constant support and love has helped me tremendously. They always know exactly how to make me feel better and know that everything is going to be okay. They have been a huge help in this whole crazy STC thing!
And of course you gave me Lee who is my rock and support when I feel like I can't stand anymore. If it were not for him, I would have probably gone insane! He is there whenever I feel like I am going to fall and he helps me back up on my feet.
I see all these other ladies getting pregnant who have not tried for nearly as long, and I always wonder, why? Why don't they have to struggle but yet I have to struggle. I know that may sound selfish, but you know what? I can be a little selfish in the journey. There are so many people out there who just don't understand the struggle. They don't understand the contstant longing of having a child. They don't understand the heartache that comes along with it.
I just wish I knew when it was going to be Lee and I's turn to finally experience the joy of knowing that a child is coming! I want to be able to see those two pink lines and cry for joy and not cry becasue I only saw one line.
Some days it is so hard to get through anything because my head is consumed with the idea of having a child. Every little symptom I feel gets my head turning in a million different ways. I get a little glimmer of hope thinking oh maybe this is the month. But nope. It has never been the month yet. I try to not let this consume my mind, but it's so hard when I have wanted this for so long.
When I got married, I never thought in a million years it was going to take this long to have a child. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know? Maybe you are trying to teach me some patience, because I know I need to be patient. But it's so hard when I see so many woman get pregnant before me. Maybe you are trying to help me learn to rely on you more. I am trying Lord but sometimes I just feel like I want to give up. I feel like I just want to run away in a hole and not come out.
So please Lord, hear my crys and my prayers and please give me the gift of a child that I have been longing for. Please!

I am so sick

Of STC!!! I don't want to anymore!!!! I just wish I could be pg already!!! I hate knowing that we have struggled for over a year and half already and probably will continue to struggle! Why can't I get pregnant?? Why? Why does everyone else get PG and not Lee and I who WANT to be parents? I am so sick of all of it!!!!
I thought that I ovulated but I guess not. FF took away my CH so now it looks like I didn't ovulate!!! Ahhh!!!!!
I know I need to get this damn weight off but for some reason I can't get my act together and get the weight off!!! Ugh! Why do I always have to fail atit? I know I need to lose weight really bad but for some reason, I just fail! I don't get it!!!

I am so sick of failing at everything and not having things go right!!!! When will it be my time???

We have a house!!!!!

So we finally got a house!!!! I am sooooooo excited! We get the house May 15th and then will slowly move everything over. our lease is not done until July so we dont want to break the lease! I am so excited! Lee and I are FINALLY home owners! That feels so GOOOOOD!

I got a positive!!!

I am so excited. Last night I did another OPK and it turned out to be a positive! That is so exciting! I will continue to do them and hopefully we can catch a little eggie!!! Oh please let this be!!!! Here is the pic!

My very first OPK!!

I did my first ever OPK! I am so excited. I feel so good about the fact we are finally moving in the right direction! I never thought I would feel such relief but today, I finally have. I am still trying to interpert the pic. I think that in order for the surge, the line on the left needs to be as dark as or darker then the one on the right. I think as of now, it is not. I think it is still a little to light. I am going to do two a day until I see if I O!
Here's the pic

Useless chatter

So this weekend Lee and I went and looked at some houses. One of them was just NASTY! I hated it!! It was so dirty and needed so much work! Lee like the look of the house and thought we could really make it look good. But I dont want to buy our first house and have to put a bunch of work into it! Doesn't sound like my idea of a good time! Then the second one that we looked at was BEAUTIFUL but of course Lee hated it! lol! I think this will be very interesting to see what house we end up with!
We found two more houses online that we thought looked nice so we are going to talk to our realtor and see when we can go see them!
So tomorrow is cycle day 10! That means that Lee and I have to BD every other day! I told him it was doctors orders! lol! I also start my OPKs tomorrow so I am pretty excited about that! Hopefully it will detect a surge! My temps look a lot higher than they normally do so maybe that is a good thing?
Ok back to work!

My doc appointment!

I am SO excited about how it went! My doc was SUPER supportive and was so excited to help us out!!!

I was 10 days late when I went in for my appointment. She did a urine test but it came back negative. So she did my pap.
Then we sat and talked for about 20 minutes about all of the options that we have.
Once my period starts, I will need to start doing OPK's starting CD 10 until I get a surge. If I get a surge that shows that I am ovulating, then Lee will have to have a semen analysis done. She said that if I am ovulating, she wants to rule out if it is male factor related or not.
If I don't ovulate, I need to call her and she will figure out where to go from there depending on where I am in my cycle.
She was super nice and SO easy to talk to! I can't wait for my period to start so we can get this process going! She seems VERY eager to help too which is nice!
I just feel good knowing that I am doing something that will hopefully get me 1 step closer to getting pregnant and having a baby!

Yes!!

So on Feb 23, I finally have my doc appointment! I am so excited! Finally going to get this damn journey going! I am SO scared! I don't want anything to be wrong!
So I started the new job and I LOVE it! No more stress! I am here from 8 to 5 with no OT or coming in on the weekends! What a fantastic thing! I used to dread coming into work and now I actually like it! :)
Lee and I have finally started to try and lose some weight. So far I have lost about 5 lbs which is nice!!! Hopefully I can get a little bit more off! But I will take what I have lost so far! Only like 45 more lbs to go! Uck!!!